For the Fast Track version of this article, jump directly to step 3.
1. Release Your Desire To Have a Girlfriend.
I think the goal for the majority of guys in this community is to just get a girlfriend. They don’t want to sleep with strippers, they don’t want to have a 5-some, they don’t want to be dating 20 women at once. Sure these things would be nice, but at the end of the day they just want to have one really cool woman to be with. However, not only do they want a girlfriend, they badly want a girlfriend…
Here’s what’s so paradoxical about this… The more you want to be in a relationship, the harder it becomes to actually get in one. It’s the most counter-intuitive, counter-productive mind screw of the dating world. There are a number of reason why this holds so true. For one, having a strong desire to be with a particular woman KILLS your game. You might…
– Become needy. This includes calling too much, wanting to spend way too much time with her and generally giving her too much attention. She’ll feel it’s “too much, too soon” and become freaked out.
– Become emotional. Maybe you get angry if she doesn’t call you back, if she decides to go clubbing with her friends or has to break plans with you. Maybe you get jealous if you see her talking with other guys, heck even looking at other guys.
– Become a try-hard. Since you want her to like you, you might qualify yourself all the time, try to say and do things to impress her, try not to be disagreeable and generally come off as trying way too hard for her to like you.
– Read too much into things. You might over-analyze and over-think the most basic things. Say you meet her at a bar and instead of talking to your right away, she goes and talks with her friends for a few minutes. You might freak out and read way too much into the situation, thinking she doesn’t like you anymore.
All in all, when you REALLY want a particular girl to be your girlfriend and she’s a whopping 1 out of 1 women you’re currently seeing, you’re going to find a way to mess it up. So the first thing you must do is release your desire to have a girlfriend. Once you do this, a lot of the self-imposed pressure will be lifted off your shoulders and a majority of your problems attracting women will naturally go away. Again, very counter-intuitive.
A lot of guys will be reading this and have an EXTREMELY hard time letting go. To those guys, let’s examine this topic even further by shedding light of what having a girlfriend actually entails…
Having a Girlfriend Won’t Make Your Problems Go Away
One thing you have to understand is having a girlfriend won’t fix your problems. If you feel anxious, depressed or generally unhappy with life, a woman alone won’t be able to take these feelings away. Don’t get me wrong, the beginnings stages of a relationship are like a freakin’ tidal wave of happiness. Amazing sex, connecting with a woman on a deep level, fun and excitement – it’s all amazing.
But after this honey-moon phase, life goes back to normal… Problems you had before meeting your girlfriend come back to life. This ranges from self-hating beliefs, problems from your past, anxiety about the future, etc. Your new girlfriend won’t be able to magically remove these from your life.
So you need to honestly ask yourself if you have your life together regardless of women. For example, are you going to the gym regularly? Do you have a really cool group of friends? Do you have passions and interests outside of women? Do you have life goals you are working towards? Is all the BS is in your head handled? If you answered no to any of these questions, having a girlfriend should be the LAST thing on your mind.
Having a Girlfriend Can Complicate Your Life
You’ll more than likely take on a number of new problems now once you’re in a relationship. Remember, your girlfriend’s problems are YOUR problems now that you are in a relationship. If she has financial troubles, drama with her family and friends and her own set of crap going on inside her head, you’ll have to deal with this too.
Relationships always have their set of bumps in the road so you’ll also have to deal with fights, jealousy issues and all sorts of stress that all couples deal with on some level. Often times relationships take a lot of work and sacrifice on both ends for it to be successful.
Not many guys take these things into consideration. Are you in the position to handle all of this potential stress? Are you ready to handle Crazy Uncle Charlie every time you have to go with her to a family event? Are you ready to devote all your time and attention to ONE woman?
A Girlfriend Should Be The LAST Thing You Want Right Now
If you’re a single dude who hasn’t had a whole lot of experience with women, having a girlfriend should be the last thing on your mind. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a final destination to work towards, but ENJOY the damn ride while you get there.
Having a girlfriend means forfeiting the opportunity to meet other women. If you haven’t been with many women in your past, why the heck would you want to settle for just one right now? Enjoy the freedom you currently have and experience bachelorhood to the fullest. The last thing you want is to be in a long-term relationship regretting you didn’t live it up when you had the chance. It’s a disservice to both you and your future girlfriend/ wife. Women don’t want their boyfriend to be fantasizing about other women, staying up watching porn or catching their “wondering eyes” when they’re at a restaurant. Get this stuff out of your system so when you do eventually get a girlfriend you can be confident there is no other woman you want to be with.
You Don’t Really Know What You Want In a Relationship
If you haven’t had a girlfriend before, chances are you don’t really know what you want in a woman. Maybe you think you’re attracted to introverts but when you actually start dating one you feel they are boring. Or maybe you think you’re attracted to foreign women but actually find the cultural differences hard to get around.
Believe me, whatever you are fantasizing in your head is usually MUCH different to how things are in the real world. The only way to truly know what you want out of a long-term partner is by experiencing many women for yourself. Once you know what type of woman is best for you, chances for long term success in your future relationship is VERY likely.
2. Learn To Be Good With Women In General
The next step to get a girlfriend is to learn to be good with women in general. For most guys out there, this is going to take a ton of time and effort. Ignite is basically a step-by-step instruction manual on how to do this. This sounds overly simplistic, but just follow the freakin’ directions in that program to the TEE and you’ll have this step covered. This topic is just way too big for me to cover in depth in this article.
Basically, you want to put yourself in a position where you’re casually seeing AT LEAST 3 women. This means you’re hanging out once, MAYBE twice per week…
Since you’re seeing different women, you’re not caring a whole heck of a lot how things pan out with any one of them. You’re not needy, you’re unpredictable, you’re not giving all the time and attention to one woman, and you generally won’t care to just be yourself around them. Ironically, this very mindset is what attracts women in the first place.
3. Choose a Girlfriend From a Handful of Women You’re Casually Seeing.
Once you’re seeing a few different women, you’ll be in the very best position to enter a relationship. There are so many reasons why this is true…
– You’ll be able to choose the best woman from a handful you’ve experienced.
– You won’t feel scared that she’ll leave you.
– You won’t feel insecure that you’re not enough.
– You won’t feel jealous when she talks to other guys.
– You won’t get too emotional and worked up over any BS between the two of you.
– You won’t be needy or clingy.
– She’ll respect you since you’re behaving like a man.
– She’ll know YOU can get other women so she won’t take you for granted.
– And on and on and on….
This all adds up to having a SOLID foundation for a long-term relationship with a woman you’re crazy about…
Now the question becomes how the heck do you transition things from casually seeing a woman to being in a relationship with her?
One thing you NEED to understand is you shouldn’t be pushing for a relationship in the first place. Your mentality should be the following: “Right now I’m enjoying the moment as it comes. I’m having a blast with her and she seems pretty cool. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions so I’ll take my time and let things naturally pan out. If things continue being awesome awesome and an opportunity like a relationship presents itself, then we’ll see what happens.” The women you’re dating should feel this vibe off you.
So again, let things naturally pan out… This means not considering a relationship unless you’ve gone on at least 10 dates with her.
This means screening her and making sure this is the type of woman you want to be committed with. After the first date, you haven’t really met her yet… You’ve met her 1st date personality. This is MUCH different to how she normally acts on a day-to-day level. Get to know her more over time and give her the same opportunity to do the same. Let time and experience bring you guys together.
Most guys try and lock women down. They aren’t seeing ANY women, so when one gives them a bit of attention, they try and secure her. It’s as if they found a butterfly, and try and cage it up so it won’t go away. This shouldn’t be your mentality.
Metaphorically speaking, have an open palm, let the butterfly sit on top it, and just appreciate each moment as it sits there. If it flies away, it flies away. Only when you try and clasp the butterfly for it to be yours and yours alone, will it fly away.
Women are VERY much the same way. The moment you try and chain her down by pushing for a relationship, she’ll run away. Just appreciate each moment and each date as they come, and don’t look any further than that. Don’t have an agenda, women hate that. Be okay with her leaving at any moment, and let her make the decision to stay with you.
So what you want to do is just see the woman once a week. You can call her up once, MAYBE twice during that week as well. You don’t want to be talking on the phone all night like little school girls. For example call her up and say “Hey, remember that crazy guy at work I told you about. You’re never going to believe what happened…” Tell the quick story then tell her you have to go. That’s it.
You want to be unpredictable. Call her up on a random Tuesday afternoon, then don’t call her for a few days. Then out of nowhere call her on a Saturday afternoon and ask her if she wants to meet up in a few hours. She should be waiting for your call and excited when you actually do.
This shouldn’t be a game. You should actually be seeing other girls on the off days when you’re not with her. A lot of guys think “Yeah… So I shouldn’t call her for two days… Great technique Tony!” Then they sit by the phone, holding themselves not to call during the meantime. By the time they call, they’re overly excited or way too nervous…
If things continue going well, hang out twice a week. Again, maybe call her twice during this time. Text her at random times with something funny or interesting to say. Don’t look at every time you text or call as an opportunity to set up a date. Just offer value and be silly…
Then transition things to three times a week, then eventually four. By the time you’re hanging out four times a week and having been seeing each other for a few months, it’s INEVITABLE that things will naturally move towards an exclusive relationship. Believe me, if she’s seeing you this much she WANTS you as her boyfriend.
In my experience what’s worked is get her to the point where she is DYING to be in a relationship with you, then one day smile and say “You know what? I’ve decided I’m making you my girlfriend… Oh yeah and you don’t have a choice.” Now remember to be SUPER playful about it, but at the same time she should know you’re serious. She’ll be excited and overjoyed that the two of you are finally exclusive and she’ll be more than likely brag to all her friends that it happened.