Getting dumped is nasty. It can be even worse when you had no idea it was coming, you still care, and you want to get your ex back. Before you start doing a lot of useless and unproductive things to try to salvage the relationship, you need to back away a bit and do some thinking.
Unfortunately a common reaction to a break up when you want to get your ex back is to start behaving really strangely. Sending endless emails, text messages, calling all the time, even showing up at the door at odd hours, drinking too much – none of these will help and they can make things much worse. So if you can back off and get a feel for why your ex broke up with you, you can calm down a bit and begin to work on a real plan.
The break up happened for a reason. They always do. It takes two people to have a relationship and it takes two people to break one up. Acceptance of the other is part of every good relationship and although it may seem anti-intuitive it is also the basis of the first step toward getting your ex back. You'll need to accept the break up because that is part of accepting the person. It is also the only way you can avoid unpleasant confrontations that will not do either of you any good.
If it sounds like a strange idea, remember that even to begin to talk reasonably with each other, you need to move away from the negatives a break up involves. Breaking up is hard on both and your ex may be well prepared to resist pleas, anger, bargaining and promises. But agreement and acceptance can short circuit the negatives and avoid the resistance.
Let your ex know you understand and feel like maybe it really is the best thing for both of you. It is hard to stay angry at someone who agrees with you. Also, when you do this you have turned yourself into someone who is no longer readily available. It's a weird thing but we all seem to want what we can not have and that alone may start your ex to rethinking the break up.
As I'm sure you realize, this is only a first step in a process. It took time for the relationship to go bad and it will take time to get back with your ex. But this approach gives you the best possible starting position.
And even if you're well past the initial breakup and have been acting like a fool, you can still do this by writing a short letter. It has to be a real, handwritten letter not an email, by the way. You want this to be personal and intimate. Confess to acting crazy and being torn up and then go on to say you've thought about it a lot and that you can understand now that the break up had to happen and that it's probably the best thing for both of you.
Taking this approach can be a struggle, even when you know that what you were doing was making things worse. It takes strength to own up, apologize and agree. But if you're serious, you have to defuse the situation. You need a reasonable place to begin working from, a place where the two of you are no longer on opposite sides and the only way to do that is to agree with the breakup.
Sometimes this could be all you need to do and the path back becomes clear and obvious. You could even find your "ex" suddenly arguing with you that maybe you do not really need to split up. But it will almost never happen if you're fighting the breakup.
One last thing that you should consider very carefully – maybe you really do not want to get your ex back. Maybe the problems in the relationship are too deep or too many to resolve. Maybe you actually would be better off being free to find another and possibly better relationship. There's not much point to working on getting your ex back if you are not very sure you want the relationship and will follow through to make it work. However, even if you decide you do not want to get back together, letting your ex know that you accept the break up is the best way to end a relationship and prepare yourself to move on.