You tried to build respect and trust, good communication and kindness into your relationship, but your love can not or will not meet you "halfway" … or they have decided it just is not working for them, or … you found them in the arms of another. Perhaps it is time to admit to yourself that this is a bad relationship and you need to move on.
So, what do you do now? Your dreams of loving and living with this person have just all 'gone up in smoke', and for a moment you are left without any direction … how do you work through this pain?
Everyone has been telling you, you are better off without them, and that you will get over them in time, and that the best thing to do is 'get on the horse' again and find someone else, someone nice …
Your friends mean well, but you need to stop for a moment and draw a deep breath.
As painful as it is, you need to allow yourself time to feel the pain and to feel the sadness in your heart. You need to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship and to accept that it is over. And – it is hard!
Stop, and take the time you need to eventually remember the good things in your relationship and about the other person, and how experiencing this relationship has grown you in some ways. Also, you can take time to think about the things that did not work so well, and learn from them.
When closing off a relationship, it is important too, to let go any 'baggage' accumulated during that relationship. It is time to release it, and very importantly, forgive yourself and your previous partner for the things that you both did wrong. This is critical to ensuring that when you do find another to love, that you do not drag your previous 'hangups' into this new relationship. Why give yourself and your new mate more obstacles to overcome than will naturally occur anyway?
The great thing about releasing these hangups or baggage, is that it no longer has any influence in your life and your relationships. When you hold onto hurts or grievances, it does not so much hurt others as it hurts you. It changes you so that you are not as kind, or as free to look at any situation clearly with an open mind. It slants every part of your life and your relationships. It short-changes you, and that is not what you want for yourself or those around you, so let it go. For your own sake, if nothing else.
In the first few days after ending your relationship, try to just get on with every day stuff. This helps you keep a semblance of normalcy. If you can not face work for a day or two, that's ok. Take a day or two to take time out and get yourself together. This is the time that you are most likely to either feel really angry, or really calm, or just plain numb. These are all normal in the grief process.
Why would you be grieving? It is not as if they died … or is it? 'Something' did die. Your dreams of a life together have died. You are now both of you going separate paths, most likely not ever to cross again.
Remember to be kind to yourself during this period, take each day one day at a time, and know that you will get through this, and will have grown because of it. You can take time to be on your own for awhile and while your friends may be well meaning, you do not need to rush into another relationship till you are ready.
Now is good time to catch up with your friends and deepen those relationships. Enjoy time with them on outings, and take time out to relax, unwind and recharge.
Sometimes when you are hurting a bit, helping others can help take your mind off things, and help you put your feelings and situation into perspective. If you are on your own too much, then the pain and abandonment you feel can become obsessive and overwhelming.
Sharing the love you have to give with others needing care, can also have a remarkable side affect – it feels good!
Last thing I would like to mention – if in the first few days after your relationship ended, you feel like doing something to get back at this person who left you – STOP – do NOT do anything at all, until you can think clearly again.
Realise that 'spur of the moment', 'feeling-fueled' actions are done very quickly and repented of for a long time in leisure!
Are you really 'that' kind of person that would do that sort of thing? Do you want to be?
Do not do anything you will regret later on. Instead, if necessary, talk about it with a counsellor or good friend, or if you can not bring yourself to do this, write what you feel down on paper. Get it all off your chest – safely. Do not let your feelings make you do something that will let you down, and will later regret.
Once you have worked through this, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You have learnt valuable things about yourself and your relationships, what you want, and what you do not want, and you do not want a bad relationship!
So, now you are now ready to love again. Allow it happen naturally. You will meet someone who will see in you the person they want to know more about … and so your life's journey continues …